Captain Kirk Never Used the Internet

     The Internet is doomed to the communications scrapheap as sure as the telegraph and the telegram.  I don't know what's going to replace it, but I know the Internet is a deadend.  And so are all the other electronic gizmos that are so ingrained in today's modern life.

      How do I know this?  Well, did you ever see Captain Kirk use the Internet?  OK, so he had a cool cell phone called a Communicator and it came with voice recognition, a great ringtone and unlimited minutes.  And, I bet he didn't have to sign up for a plan.  But, that's about it.  Somehow he managed to survive without looking like a walking ad for Circuit City and at the same time make Starfleet Captain.  I don't know how he got there, but it sure wasn't on a Segway.

      I know he never sent a text message.  You never heard him say: "Captain's Blog, Stardate 3217.6.  The ship has encountered a strange energy field that's affecting the ship's communications.  Communicators are useless and we've been forced to use text messages."  
"Captain's Blog, supplemental.  My thumbs are really sore." 

      That big screen TV on the bridge was way better than HD.  It even had voice recognition and a great zoom feature.
      Kirk: "What are we looking at?  Screen magnification 12.  Spock, what is it?"
      Spock: "It appears to be a spaceship of some kind.  I'm Googling it now, sir."

      Kirk had a universal translator so he could talk to any alien in any language.  The best we can do is a universal remote.
      Ohura: "Captain!  The Romulans are IMing us saying 'Surrender or be destroyed.'"
      Kirk: "Tell them... LOL."

      Kirk didn't need a bagful of electronic wizardry.  He just gave an order and the crew knew what to do.
      Kirk: "Sulu, lay in a course for Seti Alpha 5."
      Sulu: "Aye, aye, Captain.  I've got it up on MapQuest right now."
      Kirk: "And, put away the cell phone.  It's against Starfleet regulation 15-27-4.  'The use of a personal communications device while at the helm of a starship is strictly forbidden.'"

      Stuff worked and when it broke, somebody knew how to fix it.  No dead spots, no 404 errors, no reboots, no hard drive crashes.
      Kirk: "Scotty, we need warp drive in four minutes or we're all dead!"
      Scotty: "I can't give it to you Captain.  The matter-antimatter converter I got on eBay isn't installed yet."

      Education must be better, too.  People knew all kinds of stuff.  They never had to look things up.
      Kirk: "Bones, there must be a cure."
      McCoy: "Jim, there's no cure for Elasian Tears.  I've already checked WebMD."

       Maybe he's more evolved. You know, Kirk never had trouble getting women.  I bet he never used an online dating service.
      Nurse Chapel:  Hmm, the profile says Starfleet Captain.  Sure he is.  He's probably just a security officer.  Those relationships never last."

       They were always finding other civilizations in trouble and they always managed to find a solution.  It had to be better technology.
      Kirk: "Spock, any life signs?"
      Spock: "Negative, Captain.  They've all appeared to have died of starvation...with their BlackBerries in their hands.  Most illogical."

      Kirk: "Spock, what is it?  A primitive type of tricorder?"
      Spock: "It's an ancient entertainment device.  According to Wikipedia, it's called an iPod.  Fascinating."

      He probably never heard of Geek Squad and he sure never needed them.
      Kirk: "Scotty, is the transporter fixed yet?"
      Scotty: "Aye, Captain.  I found the parts on Craigslist."

      Communicators and subspace radio, that's the way to go.  No texting, no voicemail, no adding friends to your Facebook.
      Chekov: "Captain!  We're down to 40% on the shields and Shield Four has collapsed.  I'm getting tweets that there are casualties on Decks 17-21."

      Ohura: "Captain, we're picking up a subspace signal from Starfleet Command.  They're reminding you that it's against the Prime Directive to hack into someone's MySpace page and update it without their knowledge."
      Kirk: "OMG, just tell them it's the Klingons pretending to be me posing as a fifteen-year-old girl."

      Kirk: "Captain's Blog, Stardate 3218.2.  I've ordered Chief Engineer Scott to redesign our new phasers and disable the MP3 players in them.  I'm haunted by the deaths of three members of the security team.  The built-in digital camera takes great pictures, though."

      Kirk: "Captain's Blog, Stardate 3218.4.  We've docked at Starbase 27 for some much-needed shore leave.  No tribbles and I negotiated a better deal with Priceline."