The following is a guide for all those planning a visit to South Dakota.
Read it, or we'll kick your butt.

• Yeah, it's cold in the winter and hot in the summer and the wind always blows.  But at least we can leave our doors unlocked.
• That's a sunset.  We get them every day.  And, yes, they're all that nice.
• We get one in the morning, too.  It's called a sunrise and it's even better.
• What's more, a lot of us see both of them every day.  And, yeah, we'll stop to look.  Maybe you should, too.
• Around here, hotdish is fine cuisine.  Clean your plate.  If you don't, we'll kick your butt.
• No, you can't have the recipe, even if there was one.
• Yes, it tastes great. Thank you. It's the secret ingredients. We call them fresh and homemade.
• Just remember, around here you're the one with an accent.
• Don't ask which area code.  We only have one and it's 605.
• Listen to what you want, but we don't consider it music unless you can sing the words and hum the melody.
• You'd better believe we take notice of a siren.  We don't hear them that often, but when we do we know one of our neighbors is in trouble.
• And, yeah we'll be there to help.  That's what neighbors do.
• We don't go out of our way to be nice to tourists. We go out of our way to be nice to everybody. We were brought up that way. What's your excuse?
• We wear flannel. It's warm and comfortable. No, it's not Ralph Lauren. That's part of the appeal.
• Don't call us rednecks, flatlanders, Bubba, plowboys, bumpkins, hicks or hayseeds.  Every farmer and rancher in the state is a businessman.  Most know more about what they're doing than you and all of them could kick your butt.
• One word will keep you out of trouble, please.  Two words will get you out of trouble, thank you.  Learn them and use them.
• We're protective of our women, and our kids, and our dogs, and our horses and cows and pickups.  Messing with any of them is like messing with us.  Try it and we'll kick your butt.  Mess with us and they'll kick your butt, too.
• That combine you're following probably cost more than the Cessna you flew here in.  It has more moving parts, more controls and a GPS, too.
• And the guy driving it knows how to fix it. Do you even change your own oil? Do you even know how?
• No, you can't drive it.  No, we won't teach you.  We don't have the time or the patience.  If we weren't busy working, we'd charge you 5 bucks for a ride.
• Around here when you're stuck in the elevator, it means your semi had to wait in line to unload 1,000 bushels of grain.
• The biggest celebrity in the state is Captain 11.  If you don't know him, you're not from here.
• If you haven't met him, you're missing out on one of the great milestones of life.
• No, we don't go snipe hunting.  We do go rock picking, though.  They're easier to find and way easier to catch.
• The weather is important to us.  That little thunderstorm might have put water spots on your Lexus, but it made our crops grow.  That'll put food on our table and yours, too.
• Yeah, we'll talk about the weather.  You would too if you literally had to bet the family farm on it every year.
• No, we don't talk about pork belly futures.  Your buddy in the $1000 suit whose closest encounter with a pig was a sausage pizza is the one trading them.
• Yeah, we have more cows than people. Where'd you think that double cheeseburger came from?
• We have more pigs than people, too.  Try not to complain with your mouth full.  Talk like that will get your butt kicked.
• Did you know New York City has more rats than people? Which do you prefer?
• No, we don't talk about political scandals.  We don't have them.  I guess that's because most of us take the time to vote.
• You won't catch us wearing $150 calf-skin gloves.  Not because we're too smart to waste the money on them.  Not because we don't understand fashion.  We wear gloves to keep our hands warm.  Think about that next time we're pulling your Volvo out of the snowbank.
• When the weathermen advise no travel, they mean it.  We're happy to go out in a blizzard to save your butt.  But then you know we're going to have to kick it.
• No, that's not a park.  It's my pasture.  Yes, you can have your picnic there.  No, the cows won't bother you.  Yes, they'll wander by.  No, you can't pet them.  Yes, there's a bull in there.  Yes, he could kick your butt.
• It's the State "B" and it is a big deal.  That's where those kids that couldn't play JV in one of your big schools show everybody just what you can do with the heart of a lion and the whole town cheering from the stands.
• What's more they play every game like that.  Why?  Because they learned how you're supposed play the game before they learned how to play the game.
• And that skinny, little guy playing point guard also played halfback on the football team.  Any time, any place, he could kick your butt.
• So they'll never get a shoe contract and you can count on one hand the ones that will play in college.  We've got more respect for them than any of the overpaid, spoiled brats that you're paying 60 bucks a game to watch.  We can see these kids play for 4 bucks.  You can't get a warm beer at an NBA game for that.
• Hockey dads take note.  These kids settle it on the court and leave it there.  As soon as the game's over, they line up and shake hands.  You could learn something from them.
• Yeah, they could kick your butt.  Some things just aren't worth the trouble, though.
• Mom's not cooking tonight, so the best meal in town is the church supper.  Once in a while, they'll serve breakfast, too.
• Yes, you're welcome.  No, you don't have to have to eat the lutefisk.
• Yes, the fishing is good here. No, you might not catch any fish. But, if that's your idea of good fishing, then you're missing the point.
• Yes, we have Internet connections.  Yes, we have cable.  We have satellite, too.  Yeah, we can get the game, but the best game tonight is the girls' game at the high school.
• Yes, we sing the National Anthem at the games.  We know the words, too.
• Stand up straight, face the flag, take the hat off, put it over your heart and count your blessings.  Now more than ever.
• No, we don't get the opera.  Do you "get" the opera?  Besides, the rodeo's in town that night.
• If you think we go ice fishing just to catch fish, you're missing the point.
• Ole and Lena are icons.  No, you can't make fun of them.  When you steal our jokes at least have the good sense to change the names.
• I guess you would notice that whiff of manure amid all the fresh air.  Both are probably a big switch from the garbage, smog and exhaust you're used to smelling.
• No, you don't have to worry about the Indians.
• Every pickup has a gun rack.  In the fall, that's where the rifle and shotgun are.  In the summer and the winter, that's where the fishing rod is.
• We shoot ducks and geese and deer and rabbits and coyotes and varmints and none of them have names.
• Yes, we shoot the state bird, and the state animal, and we eat the state fish.  And your point is?
• We don't care who you know now if you didn't know everyone in your graduating class.
• If the sign says "Road Closed" that just what it means.
• Yes, we'll pull your SUV out when you bury it in the mud.  No, we won't charge you.  Yes, you'd better say thank you.  No, we're not recommended by AAA.  Yes, you'd better give us the $80 bucks anyway.
• The road signs aren't for target practice.  Neither are the cows.  So much as take aim at them and we'll kick your butt.
• Learn to read the roadmap.  Those little numbers are miles and it takes all day to drive across the state.  Complaining about your own stupidity will get your butt kicked.
• We'll say 'hello' to people we don't even know.  Probably look you in the eye when we do it.  We'll smile, too.  Yeah we're after something, a 'hello' and a smile back.
• We wave when we drive by.  That might seem real friendly to you, but we honk and wave to our friends.
• It's Pierre and pronounced to rhyme with ear.  Don't want your butt kicked?  Say it right.
• Our state was clean when you arrived. Don't throw your trash out the window. When you leave, it had better be clean or we'll kick your butt.
• We can name our members of Congress.  Until you can name yours, keep your mouth shut and don't talk politics.
• It's not about wanting more, it's about wanting what you have.
• Turn that cap around.  You look like an idiot.
• At one time only seamen had tattoos. Then it was the bikers. Fine, turn yourself into a walking billboard.  I bet Wall Drug would be happy to help.
• Purple hair? Around here it means you're a Vikings' fan.
• Body piercing? Well, that's just plain stupid.
• All these sound like you have wimpy, over-indulgent parents with too much disposable income. Tell them to quit being a friend and start being a parent. It's your parents that need the butt-kicking.
• So you're bored.  It's probably the fresh air and all the quiet.  Can't take it?  Go home and lock yourself in your condo.
• You're from a city that has more people than all of South Dakota.  That's great.  But if you want to impress us you'd better well know the name of your next-door neighbor.
• No, we can't get the birds to shut up so you can sleep in.  We can't keep them from pooping on your minivan, either.
• No, you don't eat road apples.
• It's pretty simple. You shoot it, you eat it.
• The No Hunting sign means just that. It's pretty obvious. We shouldn't have to explain why.
• All that fancy equipment might help you bag a trophy. We're sure all the books you've read and all the sportsmen's shows will really help, too. Let's hope the fish, the deer and the pheasants have read the same books and watched the same shows.
• No, the buffalo don't run around loose. Years ago we decided it was easier to lock up the buffalo rather than lock up the tourists. It's safer for the buffalo that way.
• For you it's the Black Hills. If you've been here before you can get away with calling them The Hills. But don't you dare call Rapid City, Rapid.
• The “River” is the Missouri. Try to be a little more specific. It's 350 miles long and we have more shoreline than California.
• There's way more to South Dakota than Sioux Falls and the Hills, and all of it's in between them.
• Roadkill happens.
• So your folks visited once when you were a kid. You don't say? Our great-grandparents homesteaded here.
• Do you see any other pickups on the lake? Then, no, it's probably not a good idea to take yours out on the ice.
• We're not the Clampetts. We're not the Waltons. We're not the Cartwrights, the Kettles, the Hatfields or the McCoys. We're certainly not the Joads. Say, you aren't a Griswald are you?
• You're an environmentalist, huh? So are we. And long after you've gone looking for another tree to hug or a whale to save we'll still be here. We're caretakers, just like Mom and Dad and Grandpa and Grandma. God willing, our kids will be, too.
• We play our football games on grass fields. And every kid wants to play on turf. Just once. They know why. Stick around long enough and you'll find out why.
• So what if they play with only nine men? Those farm boys grew up with clean air, good food and chores twice a day. They could kick your butt from here to the Dome and back.
• We don't like weeds. We spend millions spraying them and digging them. What makes you think we'd tolerate your kind of weed? Bring it to our state and we'll kick your butt.
• We have coffee. It's black. Add your own cream and sugar. Ask for espresso and we'll know you're a tourist.
• Meals are built around meat. Tell them how you want it cooked. Add potatoes to it, maybe gravy. Put a veggie on the side. Sop up the excess with your bread. You can start with a salad, but a salad is not a meal. Order pie for dessert.
• Don't ask if the food at the truckstop is good. The truckers always know where the good food is and dumb questions like that will get your butt kicked.
• Breakfast is in the morning. Dinner is at noon. Supper is in the evening. We eat meat at all of them. Lunch is between breakfast and dinner and again between dinner and supper. We might even have a bite of it after supper. You want lunch? Don't expect a salad. We eat sandwiches, cake and cookies and drink coffee.
• Yeah, it's a lot of food. When you do real work you need real food. Salad's fine for some desk jockey staring at a computer. Working in the field or fixing the tractor makes you hungry.
• Around here, there are lots of places a $40,000 pickup can't go. We'll get the tractor and pull you out.
• The Badlands aren't manmade. Mt. Rushmore is. Crazy Horse isn't finished yet. We'll let you know when it's done.
• Yes, you can take a picture of it. No, we won't pose.
• It's gravel. You can't drive as fast on it as you do the highway. We'll get the tractor and pull you out.
• We're not illiterate hicks. We're smart enough to live in a place you can only visit on vacation.
• We have several seasons here, softball season, football season, hunting season and basketball season. No, there's no fishing season. We do that year-round.
• The tall stuff is corn. No, it's not the kind you'll eat. The yellow stuff is probably wheat. The short stuff might be alfalfa or soybeans. No, you can't eat them, either.
• The only stars around here come out at night. No, we don't have more than you. We just don't have all those city lights blocking the view.
• Dorothy was from Kansas. There's a difference.
• We're not a flat, treeless wasteland. Any talk like that will get your butt kicked.
• The roads pretty much run north and south and east and west. Learn to tell directions.
• We have counties larger than some states. Adjust accordingly.
• Yeah, we have indoor plumbing and electricity. And faxes, cell phones, satellite TV and computers. Just like you. So shut up. You're just asking for a butt-kicking.
• It's South Dakota, not Dakota. And it's sure not North Dakota. Weren't you paying attention in geography class?
• Don't even bother to ask why South Dakota isn't in the south.  If you do, we'll probably kick your butt all the way to the border.
• Dances With Wolves was 144 years ago. Little Big Horn was 134 years ago and that was in Montana. Wounded Knee was 120 years ago. Things have changed since then.
• Do we have fresh seafood? We're 1500 miles from the ocean. What do you think? This is cattle country. You should be ordering a steak anyway.
• Yeah, we use Indian names and animals and the like for our mascots. We had the goofy idea that it was a way to show honor and respect.
• Yes, you can walk outside at night. Isn't that the way it should be?
• Gangs?  Yeah, we know about them.  The last one we had was led by Jesse James.  If another wants in, we'll kick their butts and chase them out, too.
• Yeah, Laura Ingalls Wilder is a hero and every kid in the state has read her books.  What's the matter?  Weren't your heroes decent, honest folks?  She could probably kick your butt, too.
• You're right, Wall Drug is lame.  We call it a tourist trap.  Works pretty well, doesn't it?

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