The
following is a guide for all those planning a visit to South
Dakota.
Read it, or we'll kick your butt.
- Yeah, it's cold in the
winter and hot in the summer and the wind always
blows. But at least we can leave our doors
unlocked.
- That's a sunset.
We get them every day. And, yes, they're all that
nice.
- We get one in the
morning, too. It's called a sunrise and it's even
better.
- What's more, a lot of
us see both of them every day. And, yeah, we'll
stop to look. Maybe you should, too.
- Around here, hotdish
is fine cuisine. Clean your plate. If you
don't, we'll kick your butt.
- No, you can't have the
recipe, even if there was one.
- Yes, it tastes great.
Thank you. It's the secret ingredients. We call them
fresh and homemade.
- Just remember, around
here you're the one with an accent.
- Don't ask which area
code. We only have one and it's 605.
- Listen to what you
want, but we don't consider it music unless you can sing
the words and hum the melody.
- You'd better believe
we take notice of a siren. We don't hear them that
often, but when we do we know one of our neighbors is in
trouble.
- And, yeah we'll be
there to help. That's what neighbors do.
- We don't go out of our way to be nice
to tourists. We go out of our way to be nice to
everybody. We were brought up that way. What's your
excuse?
- We wear flannel. It's warm and
comfortable. No, it's not Ralph Lauren. That's part of
the appeal.
- Don't call us
rednecks, flatlanders, Bubba, plowboys, bumpkins, hicks or
hayseeds. Every farmer and rancher in the state is
a businessman. Most know more about what they're
doing than you and all of them could kick your butt.
- One word will keep you
out of trouble, please. Two words will get you out
of trouble, thank you. Learn them and use them.
- We're protective of
our women, and our kids, and our dogs, and our horses and
cows and pickups. Messing with any of them is like
messing with us. Try it and we'll kick your
butt. Mess with us and they'll kick your butt, too.
- That combine you're
following probably cost more than the Cessna you flew
here in. It has more moving parts, more controls
and a GPS, too.
- And the guy driving it
knows how to fix it. Do you even change your own oil? Do
you even know how?
- No, you can't drive
it. No, we won't teach you. We don't have the
time or the patience. If we weren't busy working,
we'd charge you 5 bucks for a ride.
- Around here when you're stuck in the
elevator, it means your semi had to wait in line to unload 1,000 bushels of
grain.
- The biggest celebrity in the state is
Captain 11. If you don't know him, you're not from here.
- If you haven't met him, you're missing out
on one of the great milestones of life.
- No, we don't go snipe hunting. We do
go rock picking, though. They're easier to find and way easier to
catch.
- The weather is
important to us. That little thunderstorm might
have put water spots on your Lexus, but it made our crops
grow. That'll put food on our table and yours, too.
- Yeah, we'll talk about
the weather. You would too if you literally had to
bet the family farm on it every year.
- No, we don't talk
about pork belly futures. Your buddy in the $1000
suit whose closest encounter with a pig was a sausage
pizza is the one trading them.
- Yeah, we have more
cows than people. Where'd you think that double
cheeseburger came from?
- We have more pigs than
people, too. Try not to complain with your mouth
full. Talk like that will get your butt kicked.
- Did you know New York
City has more rats than people? Which do you prefer?
- No, we don't talk
about political scandals. We don't have them.
I guess that's because most of us take the time to vote.
- You won't catch us
wearing $150 calf-skin gloves. Not because we're
too smart to waste the money on them. Not because
we don't understand fashion. We wear gloves to keep
our hands warm. Think about that next time we're
pulling your Volvo out of the snowbank.
- When the weathermen
advise no travel, they mean it. We're happy to go
out in a blizzard to save your butt. But then you
know we're going to have to kick it.
- No, that's not a
park. It's my pasture. Yes, you can have your
picnic there. No, the cows won't bother you.
Yes, they'll wander by. No, you can't pet
them. Yes, there's a bull in there. Yes, he
could kick your butt.
- It's the State
"B" and it is a big deal. That's where
those kids that couldn't play JV in one of your big
schools show everybody just what you can do with the
heart of a lion and the whole town cheering from the
stands.
- What's more they play
every game like that. Why? Because they
learned how you're supposed play the game before they
learned how to play the game.
- And that skinny,
little guy playing point guard also played halfback on the
football team. Any time, any place, he could kick
your butt.
- So they'll never get a
shoe contract and you can count on one hand the ones that
will play in college. We've got more respect for
them than any of the overpaid, spoiled brats that you're
paying 60 bucks a game to watch. We can see these
kids play for 4 bucks. You can't get a warm beer at
an NBA game for that.
- Hockey dads take
note. These kids settle it on the court and leave
it there. As soon as the game's over, they line up
and shake hands. You could learn something from
them.
- Yeah, they could kick
your butt. Some things just aren't worth the
trouble, though.
- Mom's not cooking
tonight, so the best meal in town is the church
supper. Once in a while, they'll serve breakfast,
too.
- Yes, you're
welcome. No, you don't have to have to eat the
lutefisk.
- Yes, the fishing is
good here. No, you might not catch any fish. But, if
that's your idea of good fishing, then you're missing
the point.
- Yes, we have Internet
connections. Yes, we have cable. We have
satellite, too. Yeah, we can get the game, but the
best game tonight is the girls' game at the high school.
- Yes, we sing the
National Anthem at the games. We know the words,
too.
- Stand up straight,
face the flag, take the hat off, put it over your heart
and count your blessings. Now more than ever.
- No, we don't get the
opera. Do you "get" the opera?
Besides, the rodeo's in town that night.
- If you think we go ice
fishing just to catch fish, you're missing the point.
- Ole and Lena are
icons. No, you can't make fun of them. When
you steal our jokes at least have the good sense to
change the names.
- I guess you would
notice that whiff of manure amid all the fresh air.
Both are probably a big switch from the garbage, smog and
exhaust you're used to smelling.
- No, you don't have to
worry about the Indians.
- Every pickup has a gun
rack. In the fall, that's where the rifle and
shotgun are. In the summer and the winter, that's
where the fishing rod is.
- We shoot ducks and
geese and deer and rabbits and coyotes and varmints and
none of them have names.
- Yes, we shoot the
state bird, and the state animal, and we eat the state
fish. And your point is?
- We don't care who you
know now if you didn't know everyone in your graduating
class.
- If the sign says
"Road Closed" that just what it means.
- Yes, we'll pull your
SUV out when you bury it in the mud. No, we won't
charge you. Yes, you'd better say thank you.
No, we're not recommended by AAA. Yes, you'd better
give us the $80 bucks anyway.
- The road signs aren't
for target practice. Neither are the cows. So
much as take aim at them and we'll kick your butt.
- Learn to read the
roadmap. Those little numbers are miles and it
takes all day to drive across the state.
Complaining about your own stupidity will get your butt
kicked.
- We'll say 'hello' to
people we don't even know. Probably look you in the
eye when we do it. We'll smile, too. Yeah
we're after something, a 'hello' and a smile back.
- We wave when we drive
by. That might seem real friendly to you, but we
honk and wave to our friends.
- It's Pierre and
pronounced to rhyme with ear. Don't want your butt
kicked? Say it right.
- Our state was clean
when you arrived. Don't throw your trash out the window.
When you leave, it had better be clean or we'll kick your
butt.
- We can name our
members of Congress. Until you can name yours, keep
your mouth shut and don't talk politics.
- It's not about wanting more,
it's about wanting what you have.
- Turn that cap
around. You look like an idiot.
- At one time only
seamen had tattoos. Then it was the bikers. Fine, turn
yourself into a walking billboard. I bet Wall Drug would be happy
to help.
- Purple hair? Around
here it means you're a Vikings' fan.
- Body piercing? Well,
that's just plain stupid.
- All these sound like
you have wimpy, over-indulgent parents with too much
disposable income. Tell them to quit being a friend and
start being a parent. It's your parents that need the
butt-kicking.
- So you're bored.
It's probably the fresh air and all the quiet.
Can't take it? Go home and lock yourself in your
condo.
- You're from a city
that has more people than all of South Dakota.
That's great. But if you want to impress us you'd
better well know the name of your next-door neighbor.
- No, we can't get the
birds to shut up so you can sleep in. We can't keep
them from pooping on your minivan, either.
- No, you don't eat road
apples.
- It's pretty simple.
You shoot it, you eat it.
- The No Hunting sign
means just that. It's pretty obvious. We shouldn't have
to explain why.
- All that fancy equipment
might help you bag a trophy. We're sure all the books you've read and all
the sportsmen's shows will really help, too. Let's hope the fish, the deer
and the pheasants have read the same books and watched the same shows.
- No, the buffalo don't
run around loose. Years ago we decided it was easier to
lock up the buffalo rather than lock up the tourists.
It's safer for the buffalo that way.
- For you it's the Black
Hills. If you've been here before you can get away with
calling them The Hills. But don't you dare call Rapid
City, Rapid.
- The River
is the Missouri. Try to be a little more specific. It's
350 miles long and we have more shoreline than
California.
- There's way more to South
Dakota than Sioux Falls and the Hills, and all of it's in between them.
- Roadkill happens.
- So your folks visited
once when you were a kid. You don't say? Our
great-grandparents homesteaded here.
- Do you see any other
pickups on the lake? Then, no, it's probably not a good
idea to take yours out on the ice.
- We're not the
Clampetts. We're not the Waltons. We're not the
Cartwrights, the Kettles, the Hatfields or the McCoys.
We're certainly not the Joads. Say, you aren't a Griswald
are you?
- You're an
environmentalist, huh? So are we. And long after you've
gone looking for another tree to hug or a whale to save
we'll still be here. We're caretakers, just like Mom and
Dad and Grandpa and Grandma. God willing, our kids will
be, too.
- We play our football
games on grass fields. And every kid wants to play on
turf. Just once. They know why. Stick around long enough
and you'll find out why.
- So what if they play with
only nine men? Those farm boys grew up with clean air,
good food and chores twice a day. They could kick your
butt from here to the Dome and back.
- We don't like weeds.
We spend millions spraying them and digging them. What
makes you think we'd tolerate your kind of weed? Bring it to our
state and we'll kick your butt.
- We have coffee. It's
black. Add your own cream and sugar. Ask for espresso and
we'll know you're a tourist.
- Meals are built around
meat. Tell them how you want it cooked. Add potatoes to
it, maybe gravy. Put a veggie on the side. Sop up the
excess with your bread. You can start with a salad, but a
salad is not a meal. Order pie for dessert.
- Don't ask if the food
at the truckstop is good. The truckers always know where
the good food is and dumb questions like that will get
your butt kicked.
- Breakfast is in the
morning. Dinner is at noon. Supper is in the evening. We
eat meat at all of them. Lunch is between breakfast and
dinner and again between dinner and supper. We might even
have a bite of it after supper. You want lunch? Don't
expect a salad. We eat sandwiches, cake and cookies and
drink coffee.
- Yeah, it's a lot of
food. When you do real work you need real food. Salad's
fine for some desk jockey staring at a computer. Working
in the field or fixing the tractor makes you hungry.
- Around here, there are
lots of places a $40,000 pickup can't go. We'll get the
tractor and pull you out.
- The Badlands aren't
manmade. Mt. Rushmore is. Crazy Horse isn't finished yet.
We'll let you know when it's done.
- Yes, you can take a
picture of it. No, we won't pose.
- It's gravel. You can't
drive as fast on it as you do the highway. We'll get the
tractor and pull you out.
- We're not illiterate
hicks. We're smart enough to live in a place you can only
visit on vacation.
- We have several
seasons here, softball season, football season, hunting
season and basketball season. No, there's no fishing
season. We do that year-round.
- The tall stuff is
corn. No, it's not the kind you'll eat. The yellow stuff
is probably wheat. The short stuff might be alfalfa or
soybeans. No, you can't eat them, either.
- The only stars around
here come out at night. No, we don't have more than you. We
just don't have all those city lights blocking the view.
- Dorothy was from
Kansas. There's a difference.
- We're not a flat,
treeless wasteland. Any talk like that will get your butt
kicked.
- The roads pretty much
run north and south and east and west. Learn to tell
directions.
- We have counties
larger than some states. Adjust accordingly.
- Yeah, we have indoor
plumbing and electricity. And faxes, cell phones,
satellite TV and computers. Just like you. So shut up.
You're just asking for a butt-kicking.
- It's South Dakota, not
Dakota. And it's sure not North Dakota. Weren't you
paying attention in geography class?
- Don't even bother to ask why South Dakota
isn't in the south. If you do, we'll probably kick your butt all the
way to the
border.
- Dances With Wolves was
143 years ago. Little Big Horn was 133 years ago and that
was in Montana. Wounded Knee was 119 years ago. Things
have changed since then.
- Do we have fresh
seafood? We're 1500 miles from the ocean. What do you
think? This is cattle country. You should be ordering a
steak anyway.
- Yeah, we use Indian names and animals
and the like for our mascots. We had the goofy idea
that it was a way to show honor and respect.
- Yes, you can walk
outside at night. Isn't that the way it should be?
- Gangs? Yeah, we
know about them. The last one we had was led by
Jesse James. If another wants in, we'll kick their
butts and chase them out, too.
- Yeah, Laura Ingalls
Wilder is a hero and every kid in the state has read her
books. What's the matter? Weren't your heroes
decent, honest folks? She could probably kick your
butt, too.
- You're right, Wall
Drug is lame. We call it a tourist trap.
Works pretty well, doesn't it?
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This
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