You Might Be a Farmer's Wife...

• If your name is taped to the side of a cakepan:
• If you call the implement dealer and he recognizes your voice:
• If the vet’s number is on the speed dial of your phone:
• If you know how to change the flat on your car, but can’t because the spare is on a flatbed:
• If your second vehicle is still a pickup:
• If the folks in the Emergency Room have a pool going for your kids and it involves the type of injury and when it will occur:
• If your husband has ever used field equipment to maintain your yard:
• If you’re in the habit of buying foodstuffs in bulk:
• If a "night out" involves the local 4-H club:
• If the word "auction" makes you tingle:
• If you’ve ever washed your kids or the dishes with a pressure washer:
• If "picking rock" is considered a chance to get out of the house:
• If "wild game" reminds you of dinner and not the bedroom:
• If "a little bit of lunch" involves 6 courses and a dessert made from scratch:
• If the "fresh ingredients" your recipe calls for reminds you to do the chores:
• If taking lunch to the field is as close as you get to a picnic:
• If that pail with a hole in it is a flowerpot in the making:
• If your rock garden was hand-picked:
• If you can mend a pair of pants and the fence that ripped them:
• If you’re on the lookout for new uses for "Jell-O":
• If the shopping list in your purse includes the sizes of filters, tires, overalls, chains, belts, lights, cables, spark plugs or shotgun shells:
• If "Farm", "Ranch", "Country", "Cowboy" or "Antique" is in the name of your favorite magazine:
• If your tan lines are somewhere below your shoulder and above your elbow:
• If "Lacey" or "Frilly" refers to a farm animal but not your nightgown:
• If you ever went on a date to the rodeo:
• If you’ve ever been grateful for fingernail polish, because it hides the dirt under your nails:
• If you’ve ever called your husband to supper, using a radio:
• If you buy antiques because they match the rest of your furniture:
• If being taken out to dinner has ever included a talk by a seed corn dealer:
• If your driveway is longer than a stone’s throw:
• If your mailbox looks like a piece of farm machinery:
• If your kids’ wading pool has ever doubled as a stock tank, or vice versa:
• If the daily paper is always a day late:
• If you have a yard, but not a lawn:
• If you have lots of machinery and each piece is worth more than your house:
• If the leaky barn roof gets fixed, before the leaky house roof:
• If duct tape is always on your shopping list:
• If the neighbor’s house is best viewed with binoculars:
• If the directions to your house include the words, "miles," "silos," "last," or "gravel road":
• If the tractor and the combine have air conditioning and an FM radio but your car doesn’t:
• If your storage shed is a barn:
• If you measure travel in miles not minutes:
• If your farm equipment has the latest global positioning technology and you still can’t find your husband:
• If you consider "hot dish" a food group:
• If your husband says, "Can you help me for a few minutes?" and you know that might be anywhere from a few minutes to six hours:
• If you plan your vacations around farm shows:
• If Zaa Zaa Gabor is on your list of "Most Admired Persons":
• If grass stains are the least of your laundry problems:
• If your refrigerator contains medicine, livestock medicine:
• If your car’s color is two-toned and one color is gravel road brown:
• If you knew everyone in your high school:
• If you’ve ever grown your own wall decorations:
• If you’ve entertained the romantic notion of living in an old, country farmhouse with a fireplace, but gave it up because firsthand experience tells you that it’s cold, drafty, smoky and sooty:
• If you use newspapers to help keep the kitchen floor clean:
• If you’ve ever said, "Oh, it’s only a little mud.":
• If you need a pair of vice grips to run a household appliance:
• If your husband gave you flowers, but you had to plant the seeds yourself:
• If you've used the loader to reach the windows when they needed washing:
• If you’ve ever used a broom to shoo a critter:
• If you’ve ever discovered a batch of kittens in your laundry basket:
• If dinner is at noon and lunch is before and after dinner:
• If you don't need the recipe to make Rice Krispies bars:
• If you shovel the sidewalk, with a skidsteer loader:
• If you can find a use for that old tractor seat:
• If you've ever found mice in the underwear drawer:
• If quality time with your hubby means you'll have a flashlight in one hand and a wrench in the other:
• If you know the difference between field corn and sweet corn:
• If you buy your husband's "dress" socks at Campbell's Supply:
• If family "pets" include deer, coons, squirrels, foxes or birds:
• If you can make a meal that can be ready in six minutes and will still be ready in two hours:
• If your basement is really a cellar:
• If "sharing a cab" has nothing to do with a taxi and everything to do with getting across the field:
• If your job in town is considered a farm subsidy:

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